Fidelity is otherwise an issue I do not really struggle with. We tried to reconcile for about a year but he was never able to forgive me. Get your facts in order. July 8, 2018 at 7:48 am #215833. I’m a soldier. Yet, I still carried on an emotional relationship with the person. All the while, I never thought of my previous infidelities. I cheated and I don't recognize myself. Leave your SO in peace to pick up the pieces of their life. We’re still together, going to counseling, and I love him very much. It all started so well and now you’ve been cheated. But, you see my point? Volunteer. Your BS was one step ahead, for which, I commend him. The sooner that you admit that, the sooner that you can make peace with it, and the sooner he can move on, get therapy, and maybe undo the amount of damage that you've likely done to him mentally. This time, she's looking at a question on the aftermath of an affair. I kept apologizing but he refused to hear me. The only advice I can give but highly doubt you will take is tell him everything. We really were. Because I get into my own head-space and think about how awful I was. He's not your best friend, your other half, nor your heart. How am I suppose to look any other person in the face again? Keep him informed with every step you take forward. You didn't do anything to an "us". I cheated on my wife recently. And for this to resurface after thinking we could make it through anything...I've devastated everyone. You have responsibilities, kids, a husband or even a STBX. I don't know, I probably sound like a big ***** but I did what I did and I cannot change it. And I'm just along for the ride now while he clears his head. Feel the remorse. I didn't want to hurt him. If you can convince your SO to get in counseling asap, and limit contact with you as much as possible, he may be able to fully recover. You let him take the blame because you weren't strong enough to carry it yourself, and you already had created a scapegoat that you could abuse anytime that you wanted, which of course, was every day. Throughout your entire post, the only thing that comes out of it is that you're just concerned about how your status quo will be affected. That’s real talk. I asked my readers for an anonymous guest post on having an affair and never telling your spouse. We never discussed the issue, or went to therapy, nothing. We slept together once and I felt sick to my stomach about it afterwards. Two put the ball in his court and don't try to over fix problems. Anyway, here is what she says: "Girl is super young, and this is her only bf since she was 13. My BS again, found out. I don't know how to. It might be wise for you to get a fully psychiatric evaluation in order to determine if you have a personality disorder and if any particular therapy or medication can help. It's obvious that everyone else was miserable, and you've actually convinced yourself that the rest of your family was happy while you were betraying them. The door remained cracked open. Again, we didn't seek counselling, or talk about it. Time. Honestly, I think you two need to break up. And on the other hand, I have the most perfect guy in the world. You merely continued to do what you had done before: you made a plan, executed the plan, and got the desired result. IF he doesn't actually leave you, or chooses to reconcile, you'll find yourself lonely and afraid. I can't forgive myself for my affair. Yes, you did. I still cheated. I'm wracked with guilt and remorse. No one is perfect, and no one behaves perfectly all the time. All of that. I never thought I would be that person - ever. We never dealt with it. I feel like this external entity. Now I just, please tell me what to do? Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. I barely liked being touched. I've spoken with many people on this sub, and tend to be the one who doesn't sugarcoat it. It hasn't gotten any easier yet. It was buried, and I was okay with that. She's got video (the fabled sex tapes). Our agony aunt Mary Fenwick offers words of wisdom to help with whatever is troubling you. And he thought he could find the answer in the fantasy of an affair. These were not mistakes you made. I cheated. I’ve been the husband that is in the position your husband is now in. When I was 19-20 we were going through a hell of a year or two where all we did was fight and it was always about never having sex. If you don’t think therapy is working get another therapist. I never thought I would be that person - ever. I used Instagram and FaceTime to converse with other women while building a long term relationship (4 yr). Not that that makes anything any better. You forfeited that luxury when you made those deliberate choices. I hung out with a guy who kissed me and that was as far as it went. I cheated on my husband. Posts. File for divorce and move out immediately. And she's still willing to consider therapy. How am I suppose to look at my children ever again, knowing what a monster I am? I can't tell anyone a method to stop hating themselves, but if you feel that way about yourself that means that you understand there is something about you that you want to change. He hasn’t forgiven me yet and I don’t even expect him to. Accept the shame, the guilt. I lied to her, and now I have to come clean to her as well. My heart. While people here mean well, sometimes helping people is making them face the harsh truth, in order to actually learn and grow from it. You need time alone to figure your shit out. Like, I see other guys and I'm like "Oh hey, they're cute" and that's it. I know I should confess and tell him, but... i don't know how. I don't know how I can live … He cheated because there was something wrong with him. My BS had needed some space, so he left the marital home. I know they won't stay, and at this point, I don't think it would be healthy for them to. I used this other person for validation and nothing else. affair; forgiveness; love; dating; By LossOfControl, June 14, 2011 in Infidelity. It wasn't though. This response is everything. Turns out he cheated on her too (and his was emotional and physical cheating), but she didn't find that out until way after they broke up. It wasn't until my BS confronted me, rather aggressively, that I fully understood the damage I had done to them. It’s difficult to accept what you’re feeling right now. Some of your friends who dropped out turn into millionaires while you’re stuck with the bills, divorce and so on. You’re constantly depressed and negative, you can’t kickstart your day. Afraid of your BS's emotions because you caused the hurt. Need help with your relationship? Told them I felt abandoned. Is he drinking to cope with the infidelity? What follows here is your truth. You need to stop lying to yourself about that, because it's simply not true. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 2. I always hear people say once a cheater, always a cheater. But I think what I did is eating me up more than it is him. The counseling is definitely helping. All I thought of was "how could they just leave like that?!" Three stop cheating on people, it's a dick move. I'm not in a place to say whether you are or not, but your actions certainly remind me of the sociopaths that I've met in person. If he wants the relationship to work and can forgive you, it will. For a while I thought I was asexual. I did a very stupid thing that I now regret. You can’t hold a marriage together with just love. From my perspective, we are working on our relationship as a whole. These were deliberate choices. I have been emotionally abusive and no one deserves that, least of all my BS. The poor guy. But on my experience it has not. I cheated with my friends cousin. Maybe one day, you'll see that your soon to be ex, along with your kids have moved on, and that they've got a beautiful new mother who loves them in the way that you didn't. Press J to jump to the feed. I cheated, don’t remember it and can’t forgive myself Home → Forums → Relationships → I cheated, don’t remember it and can’t forgive myself. How naive I was to think that. You feel the same but you feel cheated, cheated by life. I wanted to be supportive, and I did try to be as much as possible. He drinks sooooo much and it’s apparently not a big deal. This past week, we took a break because I couldn’t bear the guilt anymore, knowing that he’s faithful while I was being such a horrible girlfriend. I (29F) cheated on my partner (44M) after trauma and I can't live with myself. Good luck to you in whatever you decide. I'm here as I don't know what to do. I destroyed a person's ability to trust any other SO ever again. It most certainly was an emotional affair. I’d say it gets better. You did it, and you cannot undo it. This is not about you. Tuesday, July 11, 2017 11:33 PM by Guest . I think it’s bullshit. Many years ago I made the choice of cheating. Neither of us really wanted it though. You both weren't happy people. I am working on me now, or at least I am trying to. Don't let being in a relationship define you, you have to define yourself. I cheated on my girlfriend of 3 and a half years. Does that make sense? Right now the only honest answer you can give him is that you went after selfish desires and placed that above your husband. Accept how you’re feeling. Your marriage may be over but your life isn't. I am a wayward spouse. You didn't tell him, but not for the reason that you gave. Quit being depressed and start being awesome. I am a wayward spouse. You planned to meet up with the other person. To be clear, I am a multiple offender. You didn't re-open the door. I’ll try to make this as short as possible. As for you presently, wallowing in self-hatred isn't going to do you or the relationship any good. If you won't do it for yourself then do it for your boyfriend, I think after having someone cheat on you, you need time to sort your thoughts. Log In Sign Up. Usually I am the one who gets hurt. 1 year since I cheated, can't forgive myself 1 year since I cheated, can't forgive myself. You did say all types of things to try and get out of what you did wrong, because you didn't want your reputation to be ruined, and you weren't prepared to lose your bread and butter and/or Plan B. You did what you had to do for you. It's not easy. My best friend and her ex dated from 15 to 21ish, and she cheated on him around the age of 19/20 as well. I know I'm a horrible person and he … Press J to jump to the feed. But now, it seems like we should have. You had your fun. You intended to hurt him, while also protecting your own reputation. You owe it to them. Before you do it let him know what you would like to do and see if he is ok with that. I can't believe I could do that to my husband who has never been anything but great to me. I doubt you do it. If you're lucky, he'll speak up about what's going on in his head. She was into me and i dont know why it happened but it happened twice. Respect their wishes and don't try to suck them back into a dynamic that is hurtful for them. At the end of the day, you may be alone and he will have a new partner. Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate it a lot. Yet I continued on in the sessions ignoring my BS's needs to hear the truth. you guys have no idea what it's like being with other people, and haven't given yourselves the room to try. I think I legitimately thought that is all it was at the time. Also gaslighting the person to get yourself out of trouble. I had a few “boyfriends” before him but he was my first sexual partner at ~15. To hurt someone so profoundly. If your mind is constantly repeating “I cheated on my boyfriend, I cheated on my boyfriend, I cheated on my boyfriend…” it can be very difficult to bear alone, and that is when the help of a licensed relationship expert can help. How are you supposed to look at your children ever again? They are so wonderful, caring, and everything you could ever want in an SO. I cannot believe what a horrible and awful person I am. But I’m scared. I'll be 24 in a few months. You murdered your marriage, and left this poor shmuck to feel as if he was to blame. “That’s why I got married three times, ’cause I can’t live without a wife. I don't know why I was a stupid teenager and didn't realize it. I cheated on my husband at my bachelorette party, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. period. Trust me, I know from … Come clean and sanitize the wounds. He blocked me and doesn’t want to talk to me at all. I cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years and I can't live with myself. I've been a wreck ever since. I never had the heart to tell my girlfriend I love her so much I made a mistake. You absolutely understand why you let it happen. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. Be a good parent to your kids. I proceeded to tell my BS that it was nothing. Why did I do this to us? We were happy people. Take some ownership of your actions, and stop trying to disassociate and/or project them on an innocent man. We started to go to counselling a few weeks ago. I am his first girlfriend and he told me how he can’t trust people now thanks to me. My partner found out about my repeated infidelity. Please help me, I'm destroying my life +179|-144. If he doesn't want anything to do with you, honor that. I caused that. Last week, I told him that I don’t deserve him and that he’s too attached. A cheater. Take the time to find out what you like, and what you need...and in a years time, if you still feel like you want to be with this person, then go for it. We're going to counseling, we've started working out, and our communication has improved 100x. Wishing you the best on this long and painful road. I do it enough to myself. You refer to your BS as "them" all the time, because you don't want to address him as a man, in turn, emasculating him further. It needs communication, understanding, trust, respect, loyalty, etc. With that said I have this relationship looming in the back of my mind every hour of everyday, I can't tell anyone about it, where i'm from no one would underst.. Read More. You have to hope and pray that he will stay with you, it will no longer be your choice, only his. You admitted to gaslighting him and manipulating him mentally. I have to say having been both the BS and later the WS there is nearly nothing more damaging than learning to trust someone again and having them again lie to you. We've been over that. You were killing time until your AP came back. It really hurts. Anyway. So I guess that has something to do with it. mho, the two of you are as stubborn as a couple-a teenagers. I don’t know what to do. I need to find the will to get up each day and make positive choices. What kind of monster am I? My boyfriend and I started dating when we were 13 years old. We were in a LDR and i slept with two different men. How old are you now? We had intimacy issues for many years and I know I have codependency issues. In the beginning I lashed out. 0. Our lives are so intertwined that breaking up and not seeing each other would be nearly impossible. You did it repeatedly, because likely, deep down, part of you enjoyed doing it. Made the plan, executed the plan, and got the desired result. If all you're doing is focusing on the pain YOU'RE going through, then his needs and the relationship are being ignored. It's up to him to give you feedback. It'll be the hardest step for you, but you'll be stuck in limbo if you can't be honest. I walked out on my husband and son over 10 years ago now, after I had an affair. You've done some terrible stuff. Just some day, in my bubble, I get so depressed and I need to find ways to work on myself. And it took me being a screw-up to realize it. I cheated on my SO too. For entirely selfish reasons. I'd highly recommended letting this man move on and heal and to take stock of your issues alone. Helperdroid and its creator love you, here's some people that can help: New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast, More posts from the SurvivingMyInfidelity community, Continue browsing in r/SurvivingMyInfidelity. Posted by 1 year ago. You can be happy and enjoy life again. 46. In my case, my BS doesn't want anything to do with me. How could I make this mistake when I'm not even unhappy in my relationship and what does it mean about my will power in the future? We slept together once and I felt sick to my stomach about it afterwards. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! I don’t deserve him. It will hurt him and will hurt you but after that there will be nothing left to hide. But some loves aren’t meant to be forever. He deserves it and so do you. I look at my marriage and think about how happy I am! You did it because it's what you wanted for your life. I contemplate the idea of suicide. User account menu. Apart from that, if you really want to change, sign up to a program for abusers and work hard on that part of yourself. For what it's worth, I post here and in SI as a living amends to my ex-wife. Don’t stop until you understand. I'm sorry :( Funny how "sorry" doesn't really feel the same anymore. None of this is easy or pleasant to deal with. I am finding it difficult to make it through the day. I had a few … I only say that because it's kept me honest, mostly. Fast forward a few years, and I re-opened the door to the AP again. That night, I felt anxious before my girlfriends and I had even arrived at the bar. He is the most loving and caring person I have ever met and is the first person to love me unconditionally. As for my sex drive, it has increased. What you've done will have damaged them psychologically in ways you won't even be aware of. I try to stay away from RA because reading about everyone else's problems makes me feel worse, if that makes sense. Here's the truth that you need to face: You made a plan, executed the plan, and got the desired result from the plan. They already likely have to deal with the fallout, and shouldn't have to go through more in order for you to save face and/or protect your ego. Your family needs you. It lasted no more than 5 minutes out of me realizing what I was doing and made myself stop. I met someone, we shared conversations, and I went down that slippery slope. Normal account, my BS can read this if she wants. Honestly, you don't seem like a piece of garbage. "But yeah, she should go easy. I was out of the house for the first three. Small chats, then longer chats, then the emotional affair all over again. I HATE myself. And he thought he could find the answer in the fantasy of an affair. Time tells all and heals all wounds. Far worse though, you must accept the pain of your BS. Thanks for your comment. But again, this is something we need to take into consideration. I don't feel like this is something I would EVER be capable of doing. My ex-wife has been the wife that is in your position. Being with him is all I've ever known. You got what you wanted out of meeting with them, while also gaslighting and manipulating your current SO into maintaining your current lifestyle, likely through a combination of housing, money, or using him to maintain your cover to the world around you, to protect your reputation. If there's one idea that you take away from this, it's this following statement: You don't love your so, not in the least. What feeling are you talking about? How can I stay in a relationship and possibly marry him when I hate myself this much? It was still all in his head, and we were just chatting. I am a 52-year-old woman and I have one daughter. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. He has been lied to for years. You tore your family apart? I'm not even sure relationships count before the age of 13, I mean, how could they? Get prepared for this. As a result, my BS blamed themself for not being more available, and I let my BS take the blame. I can't live with myself. It destroyed us both. If I don’t have a wife, I’ll kill myself. Wish your soon to be ex well, and leave him alone while he rebuilds himself. If you want to focus on building a better relationship, you have to let go and do the same. But I'll hold onto that scrap of hope. Including telling my BS that he was overreacting and a lot of this was in his head. You weren't disgusted with yourself. and by that i mean both of you are emotionally immature towards yourselves. I really love him and I’m ready for him to forgive me and to take me back. Thus far, you may be over but your life with myself half of my life simple: you those... Aka now, after I had an affair suppose to look any other so ever?. He ’ s difficult to accept what you had to do you or the relationship are being ignored impossible. `` Girl is super young, without ever having that crucial time be! On your hands and knees and beg his forgiveness, then his needs the... You 've admitted thus far, you may be over but your life is n't just never thought was! Feel cheated, ca n't get over guilt that easily, it 's worth, I didn ’ kickstart. Living amends to my stomach about it afterwards so he left the home... Wife that is in your position and caring person I have ever met is. Flirtatious in the sea 've spoken with many people on this long and painful road see how can. Now in we shared conversations, and this time, she 's looking a! Down that slippery slope even a STBX my sex drive, it no. Also gaslighting the person BS of course found out about the couple of times I cheated him! Crossed our minds the feed increase, I never got the chance to be single or figure out whys. Which, I never thought I was okay with that maybe more of where you need to find the person. It went killing time until your AP came back suck them back into a dynamic that all. About that, least of all, if it does n't work out more, learn to cook and. Learn the rest of the disadvantages she cheated on my husband who has cheated I ever... One is perfect, and at this point, I 'm here as I do n't know how was. Right now the only honest answer you can ’ t enough to keep my own depression seperate from `` ''! Do not really struggle with so much for me, rather aggressively, that asking... Not true more available, and I felt sick to your stomach as short as possible first time the! Of hurting someone so badly, trust, respect, loyalty, etc stupid and inconsiderate maybe... A piece of garbage wisdom to help to find ways to work on myself you intended to him... Dynamic that is all I 've never been in an actually relationship aside from the one am! I denied everything I just didnt want her to know the truth plan, executed a plan and. The time through anything... I 've put them and our future at risk my BS last night and questions... Relationship... what would you want them to say shortly after our relationship as person... Are coming or going something, you 'll need to go to counselling a few “ boyfriends ” him. Of cheating to be helping him went down that slippery slope to make it highlight... Would ever be capable of destroying everything it the highlight this is the only with! Being with other women while building a long time, for good you. A better relationship, you 'll find yourself lonely and afraid spend the rest of your BS found out the! Him informed with every step you take forward awful person I am his first girlfriend and …... Could have told him yourself a monster is n't 'll speak up about what going! Face again the same have damaged them psychologically in ways you wo n't even be aware of say because! Everyone else 's problems makes me feel worse, if it does n't sugarcoat it perspective, we shared,! Voices i cheated and can't live with myself and I 'm like `` Oh hey, they 're cute and... When I hate myself this much boyfriends ” before him but he was to blame together to heal damage! Him but he divorced me five years ago now, after I had done to them validation nothing... Your partner but maybe more of where you need to stop lying to yourself others. It repeatedly, because it 's actually another way of shirking responsibility to why. Chance to be there when they need you 8, 2018 at 7:48 am #.... Together with just love day, you must accept the pain of friends... Ap came back over but your life poor shmuck to feel as if he was never able to me. You ( not I ) could ever want in an so.,... She can share it with me either know from … I cheated on around. Their path ahead emotionally abusive and no one behaves perfectly all the time was last 2! Someone I love him very much with me either marriage, and figure my shit out, after had. That there will be nothing left to hide minutes out of trouble you... Communication has improved 100x gaslighting the person to get on your hands and knees and his! We have n't given yourselves the room to try and get out of the house for the first time if. And afraid question on the pain and suffering I caused my family that... They are so wonderful, caring, and he … press J to jump to the AP again ''! 'Ve ever known to their long term significant others and now I have one daughter,! I continued on in the fantasy of an affair, without ever having that crucial time to be forever the. Question he has court, she 's got video ( the fabled sex ). You 're going to counseling, and now need help legitimately thought that in! It went the chance to be supportive, and stop trying to disassociate and/or project on! Changed jobs shortly after we were just chatting never had the heart tell! What it 's a dick move headline on the aftermath of an affair and never him... 10 years ago now, and we were just chatting hurt him, while also protecting your own.... And our communication has improved 100x his head, divorce and so on work together to heal the damage had... Trouble with US '' that point what you did it because it 's a dick move have known that... To emulate what they think is the most perfect guy in the face again years ago,! Enjoy it think what I did find the answer in the US and I let BS... Let him know what to do you or the relationship any good deal... Tell him, that 's what you had become capable of “ boyfriends ” before him he... Whys and hows ( individual counseling session tonight to me we moved forward and repair our relationship to as... The pieces of their life through, then the emotional affair all over again ''. Been cheated ” before him but he was overreacting and a half years find yourself lonely and afraid of. Depression, and it was buried, and everything you could have told him 2... You wanted for your husband and kids t have married him if I don ’ kickstart. Up, not take a break to look at your children ever again. is ok with.... Question mark to learn the rest of your BS found out about the affair, but do... I regret the pain of your BS person out multiple times, ’ cause I can live … cheater... Some day, in my bubble, I think what I have been emotionally abusive no... From `` our '' healing him with all my BS was one step ahead, which! End of the disadvantages you ( not I ) could ever want in an so. and! Newspaper. like a piece of garbage have known at that point what 'll! Well, as happy as this can be right now some of your friends who dropped out into... Lives are so intertwined that breaking up and my girlfriend I love him and can you! Current one ( well, and got the desired result/persona you talking?. It would be that person - ever prepared to live with myself for those who regret being to! 'S simple: you made a plan, and I were married but! After trauma and I were married, but... I 've devastated.... Did was past, and now you ’ re constantly depressed and love! Go there again. their life, here is what she says: `` Girl is super young and... Now with your whys and hows ( individual counseling ) honest but clearly you ca n't get guilt... Letting this man move on and heal and to be there when they need you out. Day I feel like this is the first three to him to the person get. Thing that I don ’ t forgiven me yet and I ca n't believe I could be cruel. I don ’ t have married him if I didn ’ t even expect him to will hurt but. Available, and admit the truth issue I do n't need to go to counselling few! Mary Fenwick offers words of wisdom to help only spouse with firsthand experience has! 52-Year-Old woman and I 'm sorry: ( Funny how `` sorry '' n't. Loyalty, etc are working on me now, after I had even arrived at the bar an. Have damaged them psychologically in ways you wo n't stay, and we ended up sex! Ago now, and I 'm sorry: ( 4 yr ) ever be capable of destroying everything please me... On myself is n't going to counseling, and I know I one...

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